I’m a big fan of making it a fun research project. With all the Internet porn that’s out there, it’s pretty easy to explore what turns us on and what doesn’t. There are also books with great erotic fantasies, such as those by Nancy Friday and Allison Tyler.
It’s reasonable to wonder why we need to do this special exploring. Many of us have been masturbating since puberty and our imaginations are usually chipping in. Doesn’t this mean we know what turns us on? Not necessarily. What worked at puberty may still get us off, but it’s probably not the only possibility. When we stick to our tried-and-true fantasies, we’re limiting ourselves. It’s as if we’re driving on a highway through a forest. We can see the trees on either side of the road, but we have no idea what might await us if we parked and went hiking. If we go deep, we often find that what turns us on is transgressive and a bit shocking. Our hottest fantasies aren’t safe, not because we’re at risk of inappropriately taking them out into the world, but because they challenge our sense of who we are.
We shouldn’t let that stop us. We are who we are, and that includes these forbidden flowers. There’s not a standard sexual way to behave, nor is there a standard sexual way to get turned on. I’ll say it again: We are free individuals with a total and unconditional right to our sexual fantasies. So why not discover and celebrate them?
So, now you’ve done some research and found something, maybe in a book or on the Internet, that’s kind of intriguing. What next? Incorporate it into masturbation time or into a sexual encounter with another person. You don’t need to actually share the fantasy—if that’s going to happen, save it for later. But just let your imagination go with the fantasy and check out how it feels. Does it enhance your erotic experience? Does it work for you? Playing with new sexual fantasies is like trying on a different style of clothing and finding how it looks on you.
It might feel a bit uncomfortable the first couple of times you play with the fantasy, as if the outfit doesn’t quite fit. That’s understandable: This is edgy territory you’re stepping into. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to take this hike into the woods. Better yet, applaud yourself for it. This isn’t only an exercise in sexual arousal, it’s also an exercise in self-empowerment.
Don’t fret about your sexual fantasies. They’re no more meaningful than that time you imagined keying someone’s car (and didn’t do it). Honor and play with your fantasies. See where they take you.
Learn about extenders at erinjgz.wordpress.com/2016/03/28/phallacy-for-men-and-extenders/ and http://youthbruce.com/vitamins-straighter-penis/
If you and your partner are into technology, that’s another option. You might want to create a blog of images that you find sexy or arousing. You can make the blog private so only you and people you invite specially can see it. Tumblr is a great vehicle for posting your blog and also for finding images. It’s got a huge selection, everything from kittens to porn. Photos are a great way to communicate about your fantasies because finding the right words can be challenging. But pictures tell all.
Here, too, the advantage is that you and the person you’re sharing your fantasies with get to have separate experiences. They’ll probably visit the blog on their own and thus have the opportunity to have their own reaction without having to deal right away with how to respond to you.
Tumblr blogs are a great dating strategy, too. If you send a person to your erotic-fantasy blog, it can be quite a turn-on for you both, especially if you’re just getting to know each other. There’s anticipation—“How will he or she respond?”—and surprise—“Wow, he or she is into that!” These are great arousal feeders.